trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
