He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
