in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
