I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
