After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
