Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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