I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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