My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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