I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
