I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
