btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
