Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
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YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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