Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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