Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
