My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
