So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
