Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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