I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
