You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
