If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
