You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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