so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
