Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
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Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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