I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
