her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
