i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
