Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
