From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
