Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
