Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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