They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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