I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
