i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
