This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
