K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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