Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
