i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
