I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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