He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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