oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
