Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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