got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
