I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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