her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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