Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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