I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
