I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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