Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
