I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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