Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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