Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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