the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...