I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
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i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.