he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.