...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
