man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
