i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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