I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
