I need help removing her.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
