I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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